Apparently I've been in too much of a comatose state to even blog. Holy crap. Life has been crazy and out of control lately and I really didn't know how to put my words together well enough for a blog entry. Lets just say the last week I have been an emotional wreck. I'm trying to pull myself from this downward spiral I have become. So lets start with the changes.
1. Gym Time... Its time for me to get back in the gym. No more just running outside, and doing simple workouts at home. It is really time for me to get into the gym. I DID it tonight! It was great. I feel so amazing right now and so refreshed, even after one workout. I made it longer than what I initially expected. And WOW let me tell you, was that a great stress relief. Better way to release my stress than my recent unhealthy activities that we wont discuss on here. So my first change, well one of my changes I should say is the gym, and I think it is going to be an AMAZING ride.
2. No Text Zone (Boundaries) ... I've created a zone for myself. I will not text people who have spoken up that they do not want me to text them, it is time for me to respect them and let them do what they need to do. This is mainly my ex because I tend to text her when I miss her and that is about everyday but no no no I have not text her everyday, Ha! I'm sure I would be blocked right now if I'm not already. But this is more of a new thing for me to just let go of those who don't want to talk to me or don't want to return my texts. I get so bent out of shape by it and it creates internal problems. This is going to be something that will be very hard for me and I will probably fuck up... and It's not like i'm trying to be disrespectful when i text either i'm just hoping maybe one day you will reply. That isn't fair though... I can do this.
3. Calorie Counting... I have decided to start counting my calories. Today is the first day and I have set a 1,200 calorie goal for each day. My chicken, rice, and green bean mashup is 360 and I will have that for Lunch and Dinner most days. I WILL prepare my meals for the week, and start doing better.
4. Reconnect... WITH those old friends that want to be in my life and I want to be in theirs. I am really going to start making better efforts to see people who want to see me and that I want to see as well but in the past maybe have not made enough time for.
5. Jobs... Don't complain if you're not going to make a change! New Philosophy. Change is occurring- I PROMISE.
So there are a few changes I am going to start making... some big, some small. But in the end I think myself and everyone around me will be a lot happier. I have to let go of my past and live for my future. I am sick to my stomach on a daily bases worrying about my ex. And I hate the term ex because its so negative. And I don't think of her in a negative way. I just wish I had answers, and I wish I knew if she was okay. I thought it was hard with the lack of control I had when we were together when it came to her health problems. Now I don't get to hear anything.
Changes.... I have to make them.
Until Next Time,
-C
Monday, November 26, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Mumble Jumble
Oh how i've missed a couple blog sessions. Life has been pretty busy the last couple of days and well it is just about to get even more INSANE. Black Friday is just around the corner, and retail is about to spike on Friday.
It seems as though on days like today when I am extremely hungover life just seems to stop. I actually was able to have a Sunday Funday last night because I was off of work today. And let me tell you it was A LOT of fun. Hanging out with someone I have not hung out with in forever was probably the highlight of the night.
My brain just isn't really working today. So this blog is a bunch of mumble jumble. Ha! However, things in my life are changing for the better. I am feeling a lot better about things. I am no longer living for other people. Well, okay, so I'm still transitioning to this new found "me." It definitely has not happened over night but it is starting to look up for me. I have a different outlook on things and I certainly can't wait to see more progress in the future. Not a day goes by that I don't miss what I had, but I can't live in the past. I have to live for my future and start climbing towards my dreams.
Im going to leave you all with this shitty blog because I really can't think of anything profound to say considering I am still just so hungover.
Until next time,
-C
It seems as though on days like today when I am extremely hungover life just seems to stop. I actually was able to have a Sunday Funday last night because I was off of work today. And let me tell you it was A LOT of fun. Hanging out with someone I have not hung out with in forever was probably the highlight of the night.
My brain just isn't really working today. So this blog is a bunch of mumble jumble. Ha! However, things in my life are changing for the better. I am feeling a lot better about things. I am no longer living for other people. Well, okay, so I'm still transitioning to this new found "me." It definitely has not happened over night but it is starting to look up for me. I have a different outlook on things and I certainly can't wait to see more progress in the future. Not a day goes by that I don't miss what I had, but I can't live in the past. I have to live for my future and start climbing towards my dreams.
Im going to leave you all with this shitty blog because I really can't think of anything profound to say considering I am still just so hungover.
Until next time,
-C
Friday, November 16, 2012
Dream Part two
Back to this "waking" up dream...
As some of you reading may or may not know I graduated from WSU with a criminal justice degree and no I'm not going to give you my entire run down because I don't think it's necessary for any of my blogs really. But, what I wanted to get at was, I am still not working in law enforcement like I would have hoped to have been when I first graduated in 2011. I've applied two places and have had two interviews. Obviously I didn't get the job or I wouldn't be needing to wake myself up right now. I believe both of the places I applied at, and didn't get the job, happened for a reason. I obviously wasn't meant to be a cop in Wichita and well my ex and I broke up while I was down for my interview in Colorado and well I didn't get the job either. We won't dip into any of that right now.
Butttttt, "waking up." I drag my toes when it comes to many of things because I'm afraid of getting stuck. Afraid to be tied down to Wichita or even Kansas when I really don't want to end up here. I was always afraid I would end up somewhere my ex didn't want to be. So in turn I never really applied anywhere. This is why I'm talking about needing to just live. Stop allowing things to try to play out and just go, full throttle. I can always leave a job, and move on to another. It's my fear. And damnit I am not one to live with fear. I need to wake up. I am so thankful I had that dream because it was like a big slap in the face. Telling me to get the hell going and make something for myself and my future family.
I will not and cannot stand here any longer waiting for those who have left my lives to decide they want to come back. I have to look for and go after my career and my dreams regardless. Because I can only give so much to people and then it is left in their hands.
Everyone in my life has the opportunity to choose. Stay or go.... And honestly a few I never thought would leave... Well two, have left. And it hurts worse than a bandaid getting ripped off when your a baby. Damn it stings, and I cry about it all the time. But why? They aren't and they definitely are not fighting for me. So the fight won't necessarily leave me, but I have to move on like they have.
Ps. I love you!
Until next time,
-C
As some of you reading may or may not know I graduated from WSU with a criminal justice degree and no I'm not going to give you my entire run down because I don't think it's necessary for any of my blogs really. But, what I wanted to get at was, I am still not working in law enforcement like I would have hoped to have been when I first graduated in 2011. I've applied two places and have had two interviews. Obviously I didn't get the job or I wouldn't be needing to wake myself up right now. I believe both of the places I applied at, and didn't get the job, happened for a reason. I obviously wasn't meant to be a cop in Wichita and well my ex and I broke up while I was down for my interview in Colorado and well I didn't get the job either. We won't dip into any of that right now.
Butttttt, "waking up." I drag my toes when it comes to many of things because I'm afraid of getting stuck. Afraid to be tied down to Wichita or even Kansas when I really don't want to end up here. I was always afraid I would end up somewhere my ex didn't want to be. So in turn I never really applied anywhere. This is why I'm talking about needing to just live. Stop allowing things to try to play out and just go, full throttle. I can always leave a job, and move on to another. It's my fear. And damnit I am not one to live with fear. I need to wake up. I am so thankful I had that dream because it was like a big slap in the face. Telling me to get the hell going and make something for myself and my future family.
I will not and cannot stand here any longer waiting for those who have left my lives to decide they want to come back. I have to look for and go after my career and my dreams regardless. Because I can only give so much to people and then it is left in their hands.
Everyone in my life has the opportunity to choose. Stay or go.... And honestly a few I never thought would leave... Well two, have left. And it hurts worse than a bandaid getting ripped off when your a baby. Damn it stings, and I cry about it all the time. But why? They aren't and they definitely are not fighting for me. So the fight won't necessarily leave me, but I have to move on like they have.
Ps. I love you!
Until next time,
-C
Dream
So I decided I needed to blog before I went to work so I wouldn't forget my dream. But there is no way I could forget this dram.
Lately life has been pretty up and down for me. I've graduated from college in 2011 and we are now upon 2013. I am 24 years old and I am newly single now for about a month. I won't get into my single status in this blog because I really want to talk about my dream.
The DREAM... It wasn't a dream of many details or climbing a mountain and falling from the top and waking up before I hit the bottom. But it was a dream where someone, I have no idea who. They were shouting at me... "Wake up, Wake up, your missing out on your life." "You are letting time pass you by..." And I woke up like literally jumped out of my bed... went into the bathroom and splashed my face with water. I stared at myself for a second until I considered how creepy it was and really only something you see in movies and nobody actually does it in real life.
So I went and I laid back down. Only to reflect. Trying to figure out who the voice was. It really was bothering me for about an hour until BOOM... It was my grandpa. I'm almost 100% positive that it was his voice. At this point I was just so freaked out because I felt like it was a dream I needed. I really do literally need to "wake up."
I have and am letting life just pass me by. I'm allowing things to come to me when they want to. I'm allowing people to walk all over me and choose when they want to come in and out of my life. It's time to grab life by the horns and get after it. I need to start going for my dreams again. I have allowed people to let me stop in my tracks and include them on this journey and that in turn has made me get strayed off my own path. Don't get me wrong I want my soulmate to find me or me find her... But I can't let it blind me.
I have a feeling part 2 of this blog will be written tonight because I'm not done with this topic about life and letting it get away from me just yet.
Until next time,
-C
Lately life has been pretty up and down for me. I've graduated from college in 2011 and we are now upon 2013. I am 24 years old and I am newly single now for about a month. I won't get into my single status in this blog because I really want to talk about my dream.
The DREAM... It wasn't a dream of many details or climbing a mountain and falling from the top and waking up before I hit the bottom. But it was a dream where someone, I have no idea who. They were shouting at me... "Wake up, Wake up, your missing out on your life." "You are letting time pass you by..." And I woke up like literally jumped out of my bed... went into the bathroom and splashed my face with water. I stared at myself for a second until I considered how creepy it was and really only something you see in movies and nobody actually does it in real life.
So I went and I laid back down. Only to reflect. Trying to figure out who the voice was. It really was bothering me for about an hour until BOOM... It was my grandpa. I'm almost 100% positive that it was his voice. At this point I was just so freaked out because I felt like it was a dream I needed. I really do literally need to "wake up."
I have and am letting life just pass me by. I'm allowing things to come to me when they want to. I'm allowing people to walk all over me and choose when they want to come in and out of my life. It's time to grab life by the horns and get after it. I need to start going for my dreams again. I have allowed people to let me stop in my tracks and include them on this journey and that in turn has made me get strayed off my own path. Don't get me wrong I want my soulmate to find me or me find her... But I can't let it blind me.
I have a feeling part 2 of this blog will be written tonight because I'm not done with this topic about life and letting it get away from me just yet.
Until next time,
-C
Thursday, November 15, 2012
RECIPROCITY
After writing my post yesterday I found myself thinking about blogging all night and all afternoon. I couldn't wait to start another blog today. However, I kept feeling like I really needed to let my day off play out and my day really wind down before I put pen to paper, well in this case fingers to keys to screen. Ha! Damn technology at it's finest.
Lets get started with the real issues at hand. We all know I have a love hate relationship with technology. I love love love love love it because we have all these great things like blogs, twitter, facebook, texting, calling and facetime. But, Man oh man do I hate it sometimes when people are not on top of it like I am. I really feel like I am attached to my Iphone. Without it, well I would be fine if I was in the presence of those I wanted to be in front of. But when I am by myself or at work or doing whatever by myself, its a drag not to have my phone.
So this brings up what has really been going on in this girls life. RECIPROCITY. Reciprocity is basically the mutual exchange of interactions. Reciprocating on a mutual basis. We were all taught this at a young age. Come on people, this isn't something new, and it certainly isn't Rocket Science. I call you, you call me. I text you, you text me back. This has been my biggest struggle lately, and it is not understanding that people may have bigger things going on outside of me. Because lets be real, I'm not a busy girl. I work a lot, yea... But, I can always have my phone and I can always respond.
Therefore, I feel like this has really put a damper on A LOT of my relationships lately. It's something I am trying to work on, and get through in my own head. It will take some time, and is definitely something I can see myself getting through pretty quickly. Acceptance. That's where I am at right now. I have accepted that I have this problem now I have to work through it. I feel like I'm talking in circles right now but I think you can follow.
But is the real problem me not understanding that people are to busy for me? Or is it the fact that yea, they may be super busy, and too busy for me at times, but are not communicating through this busy time. We all wake up with our phones by our side, and we all go to sleep with it right next to us. This is where my struggle is coming from. I mean it is literally driving me crazy. I expect people to think the same way as my little brain thinks. And how does my little brain think you may ask... well, when i wake up if I think of you, I text you. When I go to sleep if I think of you, I definitely want to tell you goodnight. And this is where my new problem starts. I have become bitter about this communicating system we have called text messaging. So I try not to text good morning or good night to people I'm really wanting to because I'm trying to wire my brain like theirs. Is this fair to me? or them? No, it certainly is not. I am acting out of character to try and give them a dose of their own medicine. ANOTHER problem of mine. It comes back to bite me in the ASS because they don't seem to care.
This is something I must work on... But for now I think I've overwhelmed myself with this post and will have to come back to this issue at a later date.
Until next time,
-C
Lets get started with the real issues at hand. We all know I have a love hate relationship with technology. I love love love love love it because we have all these great things like blogs, twitter, facebook, texting, calling and facetime. But, Man oh man do I hate it sometimes when people are not on top of it like I am. I really feel like I am attached to my Iphone. Without it, well I would be fine if I was in the presence of those I wanted to be in front of. But when I am by myself or at work or doing whatever by myself, its a drag not to have my phone.
So this brings up what has really been going on in this girls life. RECIPROCITY. Reciprocity is basically the mutual exchange of interactions. Reciprocating on a mutual basis. We were all taught this at a young age. Come on people, this isn't something new, and it certainly isn't Rocket Science. I call you, you call me. I text you, you text me back. This has been my biggest struggle lately, and it is not understanding that people may have bigger things going on outside of me. Because lets be real, I'm not a busy girl. I work a lot, yea... But, I can always have my phone and I can always respond.
Therefore, I feel like this has really put a damper on A LOT of my relationships lately. It's something I am trying to work on, and get through in my own head. It will take some time, and is definitely something I can see myself getting through pretty quickly. Acceptance. That's where I am at right now. I have accepted that I have this problem now I have to work through it. I feel like I'm talking in circles right now but I think you can follow.
But is the real problem me not understanding that people are to busy for me? Or is it the fact that yea, they may be super busy, and too busy for me at times, but are not communicating through this busy time. We all wake up with our phones by our side, and we all go to sleep with it right next to us. This is where my struggle is coming from. I mean it is literally driving me crazy. I expect people to think the same way as my little brain thinks. And how does my little brain think you may ask... well, when i wake up if I think of you, I text you. When I go to sleep if I think of you, I definitely want to tell you goodnight. And this is where my new problem starts. I have become bitter about this communicating system we have called text messaging. So I try not to text good morning or good night to people I'm really wanting to because I'm trying to wire my brain like theirs. Is this fair to me? or them? No, it certainly is not. I am acting out of character to try and give them a dose of their own medicine. ANOTHER problem of mine. It comes back to bite me in the ASS because they don't seem to care.
This is something I must work on... But for now I think I've overwhelmed myself with this post and will have to come back to this issue at a later date.
Until next time,
-C
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Disclaimer
I decided to start blogging, knowing probably, that nobody would come across these things. I don't NEED anyone to hear my story, my thoughts or day to day thoughts. But, I think this could be some sort of therapy for myself. If someone happens to start following my blog, then great! The more the merrier.
Let me start with a disclaimer. I am a horrible speller, yes, even with spell check. My grammar is not the best, and YES I am a college graduate. Ha!
First of all, technology; I phones, Computers and I Pad's have really put a damper on my grammatical skills and spelling skills. Shit, you don't really have to put much thought into anything anymore they just predict your thoughts now days. My thoughts are jumbled by the amount of hurt I have going on in my body right now. This will be saved for a later blog, I'm not ready to scare anyone off just yet!
Until next time,
-C
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