Life?

What are we even doing? Do you know? Because I sure and the fuck do not. Do you know what you're set on this earth to do? Do you know what you want to do? Or what your real purpose is? Are you just getting by, or are you living?


These are things that popped into my head when I was driving home from work today. I feel like I'm just getting by. I'm not really living anymore. We all just live to see our birthdays, we get older but what does that get us? Closer to death- yea shitty sounding not trying to be negative but what are we really doing if we aren't living life to the fullest. We constantly try to better ourselves to get jobs that we love because we have to get them to do things we love. We create this life we have I don't understand why we all can't make it easy. Like why not allow gay people to marry, it has no impact on your humanity. You're not going to die because I'm gay or want to marry my wife. It does not directly effect you, my unhappiness not being able to marry someone I love effects me. Okay I'm getting way off track here. Back we go.

I don't want to live life anymore just to live to see tomorrow. I want to live to live. Does that make sense? Probably not. I don't want to just go to work tomorrow because I have to... I want to want to go to work. We party our asses off and feel like shit the next day for what? I think is because most of us are going out and trying to find someone we connect with, and liquid courage is a lot easier. Because you know what life is all about to me? Not working to get by... Not working to work.... Or working because we love it. Life is about finding love and being so madly and deeply in love that nothing else matters. I would work at the worst job ever if I could find the love of my life that sees me the same way. I thought I had that but apparently it was just me. Anyway, life is about love damnit. If everyone would stop being assholes we could probably make more people fall in love.


Okay I did not get out of this blog what I wanted to. My heads not clear anymore. All my thoughts are jumbled now. I'm done..... Literally.

Blank

Today I convinced myself it was okay to give up. Don't take risks, stick with the status quo, NO drama. Now is just not the time. But, my reasons aren't reasons their excuses. All I'm doing is hiding from the truth. And the truth is.... Is that I'm scared. I'm scared if I let myself be happy for one second the world will come crashing down. 

Putting other people's happiness is something that is actually for once creating problems in my life. Never would I think that would be the case. 

The END is near - NOT

We all can agree that I'm just not holding up my end of the bargain when it comes to these promises I make to blog on a daily bases. I'm going to try try try try try...

I usually decide to get on here when I feel like I am losing control emotionally. It helps me gather my thoughts even if I'm not writing it all down in this blog, it is still my escape. It has been two months since the breakup... not only the breakup of a girlfriend, but also a girl FRIEND. I lost two people two months ago, and not by my choice. Two people who were super close to me, and just decided to give up on me. I rarely EVER give up on ANYONE. Still two months later my stomach drops when anything reminds me of them. I lose it. I am not afraid to say I miss both of them. I lost two best friends that day. ALL TO DISTANCE. If I was around them, I would look them in their eyes and make them understand how much I care for them, how much I need them, and let them know I will do better for "US."

So Friday is supposed to be the day the world ends. And I call bullshit. We are not going anywhere. We will live another day and I PROMISE to do BETTER. People I'm screaming from the top of my lungs, GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. Not to be your lover.... not to be your sometime friend- but to be your friend, your shoulder to cry on, your PERSON. Let me be that person again. So if we live to see another day- WHICH we WILL... I will do better. I CAN DO BETTER.

So tired of people giving up on me.


DON'T give up.


Until next time,

-C

pointLESS

Oh man, this blogging thing is just getting out of hand. Well maybe I should just say my lack there of. Life is busy.... I will make time for this. This when I started was a very good outlet for me. But lately I have realized a lot for myself through the new friends I have been making and hanging out with. I don't deserve a lot of the crap I put MYSELF through. That is the sad part, I could avoid most of my pain I go through if I would just get smarter. Ha! Easier said than done. But, with that said, Im not really sad anymore. I was tired of being sad that I would get more sad. I am excited about life and trying to make a better life for myself and my family. I am so excited to meet my new niece. I am excited to start a new job. I am excited to live a single life and do me.

I miss my ex every single day, because there was never any real closer. She will always be a huge part of my life if she ever decides she wants to talk to me. I have lost all drive to reach out to anyone anymore. Sad, but true.


This was a super pointless blog but its a start. I will clear my head and blog again later today or tomorrow.



Until next time,

-C