The TRUTH

The truth always comes out no matter if people want it to or not.


Tonight I finally found out for certain if two people that well less than two months ago were two of the most special people in my life are now dating. They both chose to shut me off about two months ago, and now are important people to one another. It's very sad to me that I had to ask about it, but in my heart I already knew what was going on. I'm more hurt that I lost two special people that I was so good to, more so than I am that they're together. I always said I only wanted complete happiness for each of them, and well I guess they found that through each other. It just sucks that it was at the expense of me. Not even sure how I will come to terms with this or what I will do to deal with it.

For tonight I have nothing really more to say about it other than that I'm hurt. I'm hurt I lost two people. Two people I tried to give the world to. Maybe I'm the one that's doing things wrong. When will my kindness pay off?




I have no more words. I'm more hurt inside than I have ever been. It's not about two people finding love or lust or whatever. It's about two people abandoning and leaving behind someone whom was such a great friend.



Until next time, if there is a next time....


-C

Lessons

Often in life we take things for granted without even really knowing that we are doing so. We usually don't notice until whatever we have taken for granted is gone. Whether it be a friendship, or a relationship... We usually notice after we have lost that relationship. That, I think is what teaches us lessons and makes us better people for our future. We don't get a book on how to live life and how to treat everyone. We get these instructions from watching others grow and through growing ourselves. If we all knew everything life would be boring.

Nobody ever says life is easy and if they do they are lying.

This year I want to cut down on the amount of things I take for granted and try to genuinely focus on the people who don't take me for granted. I try really hard to keep every friendship up to par, and really keep in contact. Everyone is busy but we can make time this year. I'm damn tired of holding onto people who walk out on me so easily. And I know my iPad is tired of me writing about it. So here is to forgetting the past and to creating our future,


Until next time,

-C

Life?

What are we even doing? Do you know? Because I sure and the fuck do not. Do you know what you're set on this earth to do? Do you know what you want to do? Or what your real purpose is? Are you just getting by, or are you living?


These are things that popped into my head when I was driving home from work today. I feel like I'm just getting by. I'm not really living anymore. We all just live to see our birthdays, we get older but what does that get us? Closer to death- yea shitty sounding not trying to be negative but what are we really doing if we aren't living life to the fullest. We constantly try to better ourselves to get jobs that we love because we have to get them to do things we love. We create this life we have I don't understand why we all can't make it easy. Like why not allow gay people to marry, it has no impact on your humanity. You're not going to die because I'm gay or want to marry my wife. It does not directly effect you, my unhappiness not being able to marry someone I love effects me. Okay I'm getting way off track here. Back we go.

I don't want to live life anymore just to live to see tomorrow. I want to live to live. Does that make sense? Probably not. I don't want to just go to work tomorrow because I have to... I want to want to go to work. We party our asses off and feel like shit the next day for what? I think is because most of us are going out and trying to find someone we connect with, and liquid courage is a lot easier. Because you know what life is all about to me? Not working to get by... Not working to work.... Or working because we love it. Life is about finding love and being so madly and deeply in love that nothing else matters. I would work at the worst job ever if I could find the love of my life that sees me the same way. I thought I had that but apparently it was just me. Anyway, life is about love damnit. If everyone would stop being assholes we could probably make more people fall in love.


Okay I did not get out of this blog what I wanted to. My heads not clear anymore. All my thoughts are jumbled now. I'm done..... Literally.

Blank

Today I convinced myself it was okay to give up. Don't take risks, stick with the status quo, NO drama. Now is just not the time. But, my reasons aren't reasons their excuses. All I'm doing is hiding from the truth. And the truth is.... Is that I'm scared. I'm scared if I let myself be happy for one second the world will come crashing down. 

Putting other people's happiness is something that is actually for once creating problems in my life. Never would I think that would be the case. 

The END is near - NOT

We all can agree that I'm just not holding up my end of the bargain when it comes to these promises I make to blog on a daily bases. I'm going to try try try try try...

I usually decide to get on here when I feel like I am losing control emotionally. It helps me gather my thoughts even if I'm not writing it all down in this blog, it is still my escape. It has been two months since the breakup... not only the breakup of a girlfriend, but also a girl FRIEND. I lost two people two months ago, and not by my choice. Two people who were super close to me, and just decided to give up on me. I rarely EVER give up on ANYONE. Still two months later my stomach drops when anything reminds me of them. I lose it. I am not afraid to say I miss both of them. I lost two best friends that day. ALL TO DISTANCE. If I was around them, I would look them in their eyes and make them understand how much I care for them, how much I need them, and let them know I will do better for "US."

So Friday is supposed to be the day the world ends. And I call bullshit. We are not going anywhere. We will live another day and I PROMISE to do BETTER. People I'm screaming from the top of my lungs, GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. Not to be your lover.... not to be your sometime friend- but to be your friend, your shoulder to cry on, your PERSON. Let me be that person again. So if we live to see another day- WHICH we WILL... I will do better. I CAN DO BETTER.

So tired of people giving up on me.


DON'T give up.


Until next time,

-C

pointLESS

Oh man, this blogging thing is just getting out of hand. Well maybe I should just say my lack there of. Life is busy.... I will make time for this. This when I started was a very good outlet for me. But lately I have realized a lot for myself through the new friends I have been making and hanging out with. I don't deserve a lot of the crap I put MYSELF through. That is the sad part, I could avoid most of my pain I go through if I would just get smarter. Ha! Easier said than done. But, with that said, Im not really sad anymore. I was tired of being sad that I would get more sad. I am excited about life and trying to make a better life for myself and my family. I am so excited to meet my new niece. I am excited to start a new job. I am excited to live a single life and do me.

I miss my ex every single day, because there was never any real closer. She will always be a huge part of my life if she ever decides she wants to talk to me. I have lost all drive to reach out to anyone anymore. Sad, but true.


This was a super pointless blog but its a start. I will clear my head and blog again later today or tomorrow.



Until next time,

-C

Change

Apparently I've been in too much of a comatose state to even blog. Holy crap. Life has been crazy and out of control lately and I really didn't know how to put my words together well enough for a blog entry. Lets just say the last week I have been an emotional wreck. I'm trying to pull myself from this downward spiral I have become. So lets start with the changes.


1. Gym Time... Its time for me to get back in the gym. No more just running outside, and doing simple workouts at home. It is really time for me to get into the gym. I DID it tonight! It was great. I feel so amazing right now and so refreshed, even after one workout. I made it longer than what I initially expected. And WOW let me tell you, was that a great stress relief. Better way to release my stress than my recent unhealthy activities that we wont discuss on here. So my first change, well one of my changes I should say is the gym, and I think it is going to be an AMAZING ride.

2. No Text Zone (Boundaries) ... I've created a zone for myself. I will not text people who have spoken up that they do not want me to text them, it is time for me to respect them and let them do what they need to do. This is mainly my ex because I tend to text her when I miss her and that is about everyday but no no no I have not text her everyday, Ha! I'm sure I would be blocked right now if I'm not already. But this is more of a new thing for me to just let go of those who don't want to talk to me or don't want to return my texts. I get so bent out of shape by it and it creates internal problems. This is going to be something that will be very hard for me and I will probably fuck up... and It's not like i'm trying to be disrespectful when i text either i'm just hoping maybe one day you will reply. That isn't fair though... I can do this.

3. Calorie Counting... I have decided to start counting my calories. Today is the first day and I have set a 1,200 calorie goal for each day. My chicken, rice, and green bean mashup is 360 and I will have that for Lunch and Dinner most days. I WILL prepare my meals for the week, and start doing better.

4. Reconnect... WITH those old friends that want to be in my life and I want to be in theirs. I am really going to start making better efforts to see people who want to see me and that I want to see as well but in the past maybe have not made enough time for.

5. Jobs... Don't complain if  you're not going to make a change! New Philosophy. Change is occurring- I PROMISE.



So there are a few changes I am going to start making... some big, some small. But in the end I think myself and everyone around me will be a lot happier. I have to let go of my past and live for my future. I am sick to my stomach on a daily bases worrying about my ex. And I hate the term ex because its so negative. And I don't think of her in a negative way. I just wish I had answers, and I wish I knew if she was okay. I thought it was hard with the lack of control I had when we were together when it came to her health problems. Now I don't get to hear anything.


Changes.... I have to make them.



Until Next Time,

-C